Forgiven!

Scene from The Mission, Captain Mendoza is forgiven.

The Mission (from 1986) is a movie with Jeremey Irons and Robert DeNiro that depicts all of the complexity of the human spirit. The bad and ugly, and the good and beautiful, within us all. It is a powerful movie and if you have not seen it I highly recommend it.

SPOILER ALERT - scroll to At Mass if you plan to see the movie, the images are enough

I don't want to give too much away but Captain Mendoza (Robert DeNiro) is not a nice man, he is not an evil man either, but he brings pain to many, and is completely unconcerned while he is doing it. But there is an event that brings everything he's done into full focus, and he is broken and ashamed. He makes up his mind to go on a journey with Father Gabriel (Jeremy Irons), and for three days they travel up the mountain of Iguazu Falls. Mendoza, full of self-loathing and recrimination, decides as punishment for the deeds of his life, he would travel dragging a bundle containing his armor and sword.

This weighs hundreds of pounds and parts of the journey require them to scale up the sides of cliffs. His companions tell him he has suffered enough and should let it go, but Mendoza is unable to do so. At one point carrying that burden almost takes his life, but he refuses to cut it loose.

At Mass, a few weeks ago, I listened to a homily about mercy and forgiveness. The priest was stressing the need for confession. (I even wrote a post about reconciliation you can read that here.) In this homily, the priest mentions this movie as a visual image of what carrying our sins can do to us, and that reconciliation is God cutting that loose for us. Well, this has been with me since he said it, this is why I felt compelled to write that earlier blog. I am working through stuff, a lot of stuff. I have been carrying massive burdens of guilt for many years. Here is what I didn't say before because, sometimes I don't want to look in the mirror.

I do not like to go to confession because, I am afraid. I am afraid I am not worthy of forgiveness. I am afraid I haven't done enough to prove I love Him ABOVE ALL ELSE. I am afraid he'll say "Not good enough." If that happens, then what will I do? So I hope he can see my heart and know that I love Him and look past the sins I carry. It doesn't work that way, He doesn't look past them, He looks directly AT THEM. (like the elephant in the room) But not to say 'not good enough,' but rather to say, "When will you give it to me?"

Here is what happened this weekend. I got a notification that there will be a special day for confession in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles next weekend where over 20 churches within the diocese will have 24-hour confessions, from 3/28-29. (if you want details check out this page) Ok, God has been pointing me in this direction all through Lent so this is Him telling me to please come. I added it to my calendar, so I would not forget. Good, that's decided, and this way it'll be with a priest that doesn't know me, that's better I think. Okay, so now I have a date, I can stop worrying about it right? Well of course not! I am used to thinking, almost constantly, about all the wrong I have done and do still.

Then Saturday, I realized I had signed up for a retreat focused on Healing Wounds, (which I had forgotten about completely because I didn't add it to my calendar.) This means that whole day is now spent, 9AM-4PM! AND, I don't have any wounds. I only signed up because it is being hosted by a friend of mine, and I wanted to support him. Also, I figured, it would be good to see how other people do retreats, since I plan to offer more of those too. Well, I told my husband, 'While I am not wounded or in need of therapy, it will be good for research and I'll talk to some nice people I am sure.'

They open talking about trauma (I don't have trauma, I keep myself focused on God - this is what I actually thought, in my head, as he was talking), as he is speaking he says trauma happens to all of us, faith does not keep us from it. (Well, I think, I know that too but really when you have faith and things happen they are simply not traumatic because you know you belong to God.) Then, he clicks to a picture of the Holy Family and begins to outline the trauma that Joseph (having to flee to Egypt, leave his business, his family and friends abruptly in the middle of the night, to keep the baby Jesus safe. Starting over and figuring out how to provide for their needs while in a foreign place and let's go back to KEEPING THE BABY JESUS SAFE. - okay that sounds traumatic), Mary (a virgin with child, something that could get you killed for back then, being told what would happen to him as she held the babe in her arms, losing sight of him for three days while he was still quite young, and then of course witnessing his persecution, crucifixion and death - agreed this is all traumatic) and Jesus (God himself in 100% human form was betrayed, persecuted, brutally beaten, crucified - yes traumatic, without a doubt) experienced, and their faith did not shelter them. So, if this family knows trauma so intimately, then why on Earth would I think that I could not? If you recall the things I mentioned above, then we both know I have been deluding myself. I knew I had experienced trauma in the past, but I got over it. I have faith and strength of character. The things I had done in my past, I would not now do, so trauma eliminated! This is what I had thought, but now I felt a little squirmy. (What I need is more coffee - this is what I affectionately refer to as my Scarlet O'Hara 'I can't think about this now, I'll think about it tomorrow.' syndrome)

As the day presses on, we have talks, small group table discussions, singing (I never really like that part of these things, but I can't get the song out of my head three days later), adoration, and private journal reflection. Let me pause here and tell you about this experience. We were asked to reflect on the passion of our Lord, in the Catholic church we have a series of prayers that are meant to take you through the experience it's called, Stations of the Cross and there are 14 of them. So, we were asked to pick one or two of the moments to reflect on, and see what God wants to communicate to us.

I chose the 10th Station, Jesus is stripped of his garments (I have no particular reason for choosing this one, I looked at images for all of them and found myself drawn to this one.) This is what I wrote:

10th Station, Jesus is stripped of his garments

An act of humiliation, you can not be more vulnerable than being stripped naked. But Jesus demonstrates that nothing in this world has power over God. This means, that we can withstand whatever trauma we need to, if we are turned toward Him. Not that trauma doesn't happen, but that in faith we can withstand it. Additionally, this station forces us to look upon His body and see the wounds we helped to inflict by our willful disobedience of God. We may not have personally held the whip but our actions created this result. Belief? Experience? Willful disobedience simply means, we chose the things we have done. Often not thinking/believing that we intended to do wrong. It wasn't deliberate, but free will means we could have made different choices.

Okay that was rough. Now a group discussion, then they said we were going to go over to the church to pray, and that the priests were available for confession. WAIT WHAT? Confession today? But I was going to go next weekend. Then I heard Him, "It is time, go now. Come and set your burden before me." So I got up and walk determinedly over to the church and straight over to our pastors confessional line. His line is always too long, so I don't even try, but God has been telling me to go to talk with him. He is also the one who gave the homily that so haunted me. There are only two people in line, that causes my heart to quicken. I don't even remember the right prayers. I usually am fully prepared when I go, I was NOT planning to do this TODAY

Sidebar: growing up protestant, this is not something we ever did or believed in, it was one of the things I struggled with before coming into full communion with the church. My first confession, I was terrified because I was 45 years old and had quite a few things on my conscience, but the kindly priest just patted my leg and said not to worry and that all my sins were forgiven before I had barely begun. I think it was probably because I was crying and said 'Well, when I was a teenager, I..." and he probably thought I was being too scrupulous, so he just gave me blanket absolution. However, I have agonized over it ever since. Because I didn't say it, I have not forgotten any of it. I know God has forgiven me, and wiped it away, but I still clutch it and carry it. It's that worm in my head that won't let me forget, or let go.

Ok, back to the line, I scramble on my phone to remember what I am supposed to do and say, (my kids are shaking their heads if they are reading this, I am sure) then it is my turn. I take a deep breath and straighten my back and go in, where I immediately turn into a puddle of tears, and I choke it all out. ALL OF IT! He listens and is compassionate and patient with me and says He is sorry I have suffered so long. I mention his homily and he says 'then picture it being cut loose now, leave it here and never be burdened by it again. You are forgiven and you are LOVED.' I am crying even harder and he says, 'if the thoughts come back, that I am to know and realize that it is the devil talking trying to separate me from God, in any way he can. So I need to remember that and feel God's loving embrace and know that I belong to God and no one else.'

I left the confessional and knelt and prayed in the church with tears streaming down my face. It is hard be be unburdened of something you have carried for a very long time. Finally, we go back to the finish the retreat, and the last exercise is to mediate and imagine along with the verbal prompts. So, first we are asked to close our eyes and picture someone we love standing in front of us, and looking at them we need to call to mind something that is good about them (easy I chose my husband and thought of dozens of things good about him), then we were asked to picture someone we don't like or that annoys or frustrates us and call to mind something good about them (this was harder, because I couldn't think of anyone, but when I settled on a person, finding their good qualities was also easy), then he said now picture yourself looking in a mirror (if you recall, I mentioned above I do not like to do that) and call to mind something good and I cried again. When I look I see my faults, I hope and want others see something else, but I know my faults and that is always what I see first.

So, I went in thinking I didn't have any wounds! HA

Let me be clear on one last point, I don't sit and berate myself day in and day out either. I know I am loved but I usually couple that with an in spite of sentence instead of, because of. In reality I don't give myself much thought either way, but if you ask me then I lean to faults. Is that a common human condition? I don't know, but maybe it is part of the reason I was called to be a strengths coach.

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Yesterday being Sunday we didn't have soup and I had to go to a pot luck but Saturday night I made...

Chicken & Spinach Meatball with Gnocchi

Olive Oil

5 cups Baby spinach

Mirepoix

2 cloves Garlic

Salt & pepper

2 lb. Ground Chicken

1/4 cup Breadcrumbs

1 Egg beaten

8-10 cups Chicken Broth

1 package Gnocchi

1/2 to 1 cup of Heavy Cream

Heat olive oil in pot, add 3 cups of the spinach and cook long enough to wilt 2-3 minutes then remove the spinach chop and put in a medium sized bowl. Add more olive oil if necessary and add the mirepoix, cook until onions are translucent and carrots begin to soften. Meanwhile, add the ground chicken to the bowl with the spinach and add breadcrumbs and egg and mix well. Then form the mixture into balls and place in a separate heated skillet with olive oil and brown the meatballs. While the meatballs are browning add the garlic, salt and pepper to the stock pot then after 2 minutes add the broth and bring to a boil. Once meatballs are browned on all sides add them to the soup pot. let them cook for approximately 15-20 minutes on medium heat until the meatballs are cooked through, then add the gnocchi and cook until they begin to float to the top. Just before serving add last 2 cups of spinach to the pot and stir until wilted, then add heavy cream until you reach the desired creaminess. Serves 8-10